10 USELESS SKILLS YOU’LL LEARN AS A DOG MOM

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Are you thinking about getting a furry friend and wondering if dog ownership will teach you any essential life skills? Well, I’m here to tell you that you’ll definitely learn a thing or two… it’s just that these lessons won’t be in any way applicable to any other part of your life.

Here are 10 useless skills you’ll learn as a dog parent.

Skill #1: How to put your dog in a headlock with one arm while loading soap into the dishwasher with the other hand. This strategy can also apply while removing clean clothes from the dryer, cleaning out the fridge, and cleaning toilets. This is most useful during the puppy stage when they’re curious and want to put everything they come across in their mouth.

Skill #2: How to apply more force than the jaws of life to get them to drop something they’re not supposed to have. At some point, you’ll get smarter and learn how to trick them into dropping things instead of wrestling it free. In a word: cheese.

Skill #3: How to distinguish between the sounds of a cough, a hiccup, and the dreaded pre-puke retching. This is very important because if it’s a retch and you don’t act quickly, they are 100% guaranteed to throw up on the carpet, the bed, the couch, or into a basket of clean laundry. You must physically move them to prevent this from happening – preferably outdoors, but any hard, cleanable surface will do.

Skill #4: The art of pulling grass out of an asshole. If your dog is a grass eater, chances are you’ll be blessed with a situation in which a blade is left hanging at the opposite end. And they’ll be looking to you with their big, beautiful, horrified eyes to fix it. Pro tip: grasping it with a piece of paper towel improves grip. This technique can also be useful for bits of chewed up toys, bedding, and any other items that might come out undigested and get hung up.

Skill #5: Applying a protective coating to paws, noses, and yes, even balls. This is most often sunscreen in summer, while winter calls for wax that keeps snow and ice chafing to a minimum. This involves hitting a moving target and can be more complicated than it sounds.

Skill #6: New cleaning skills. Because getting dog snot and hair off every surface you can think of is a whole other thing.

Skill #7: Killer Defense moves. You’ll need to brush up on your situational awareness skills, body blocks, and contact avoidance technique in order to avoid the errant paw swipes (read: intentional punches), them running into knees (read: intentional body checking), and when you find yourself in the middle of a dog-on-dog playtime wrestling match (read: being used as a human shield).

Skill #8: A ruthless ability to claim and defend precious inches of the bed and blankets. Don’t fall for how cute they look when they’re sleeping on your pillow. It’s all part of their evil plan. Pull, tug, shove and scootch your way to comfort and then don’t give up your territory.

Skill #9: How to recognize when you’re the one being trained. Admit it, we’ve all been there – fetching the ball ourselves when the dog won’t get it. Picking up and returning the toy that they dropped off the couch but weren’t done with. Lifting them into a vehicle that they’re perfectly capable of jumping into themselves. Adding special surprises to their meals because a bowl of just plain old kibble gets you “the look.” Opening the door for the 75th time today because they need to go out again… or in again… or out again…

Izzie’s latest trick she’s taught me is to get up at 11pm to – get this – LIFT THE FLAP ON THE DOG DOOR so she can go outside. Yes, the dog door is open, and she can go in and out as she pleases (which she does all day long), but at night she won’t go out unless I come lift it for her. And I do it.

Skill #10: How to function with a shadow. Whether you’re busy in the kitchen, doing housework, yard work, or working from home, you’ll always have a furry little gremlin there to trip you up, nudge your elbow, or stick their curious nose into whatever you’re doing. And yes, they will follow you into the bathroom if you forget to latch the door. You quickly learn to watch your movements to avoid running over a paw with the vacuum cleaner, tripping over a tail while carrying a pot of boiling water, or stepping on a leg when getting out of the shower.

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What life skills have you learned from your dog? Share in the comments!